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jedigrrrl:

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The Star Wars Holiday Special by Steve Binder and David Acomba (directors); Pat Proft, Leonard Rips, Bruce Vilanch, Rod Warren, and Mitzie Welch (writers) (1978, CBS)

Believe it or not, I had never seen the infamously terrible Star Wars Holiday Special in its entirety before this week. I had seen plenty of clips of badly made-up Wookiees growling at one another interminably and of Carrie Fisher signing, but I had never sat down and watched the whole thing.

Months ago, when I decided I would review it the Friday before Christmas, I was misinformed about one important fact regarding The Holiday Special: its length. Somehow, I had been living under the blissful delusion that the thing was about a half hour to forty-five minutes long. I was shocked and horrified to find that, as I imagine most of you already know, The Star Wars Holiday Special is a feature-length presentation, clocking in at a good hour and a half to two hours.

I was also unaware that one of the Special’s writers is none other than Bruce Vilanch, best known for his stint on Hollywood Squares, a myriad of awards shows and Bette Midler documentaries, and the latter-day Adam Sandler film You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. …Yikes.

The lore surrounding the Holiday Special is fairly well-known: made in large part to promote the first re-release of Star Wars in theaters, it aired once on CBS and was never re-aired or released on any home video format. This is mostly because the Special is, hands-down, the worst thing ever to happen because of a good movie, and George Lucas recognizes this fact. Luckily (from a preservationist’s point of view, anyway), bootlegs of the Special have been widely distributed ever since, and it’s now easily accessible on YouTube.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is the epic saga of a bunch of Wookiees watching TV. The frame narrative consists of Han and Chewie trying to get to Kashyyyk in time for Life Day, a Wookiee holiday of ill-defined significance, when they are waylaid by Imperial troops. Meanwhile, Chewbacca’s home is investigated by some exceptionally dim-witted Imperials. Throughout, Chewie’s family takes in several holographic “entertainments” (a term I use here quite loosely) while waiting for their patriarch to arrive.

This “structure” allows for the inclusion of several kitschy variety sketches. These are tolerable at best and mind-numbing at worst.

The first of these is a kind of Cirque du Soleil routine in miniature—or at least that’s what they vaguely reminded me of. Their repertoire of tricks is more on the level of a high school cheerleader squad. What really freaks me out about this part, though, is this big green dude:

Absolutely terrifying.

Another bit features Art Carney and an Imperial gunnery officer who declares, with straight-faced “bag guy” delivery, his hatred for fish.

We’re then treated to an unintelligible cooking show featuring a matronly woman who is revealed to have four arms. I can only assume this was meant to be hilarious.

The most bizarre sequence is probably the one featuring Diahann Carroll as a virtual woman generated by a device given to the Wookie “Itchy” by the Art Carney character. This somewhat uncomfortable scene features such lines as: “Ohh, ohh! We are excited, aren’t we?” and “I am your fantasy. I am your experience. So experience me. I am your pleasure. Enjoy me.” I don’t think any further comment is necessary. This is followed by a musical sequence from Carroll which is perhaps more wholesome than her opening monologue, but equally ridiculous…

…Though not quite as ridiculous as Saunn Dann (that’s Art Carney) distracting an Imperial officer by getting him to watch a Jefferson Starship music video.

When ordered by the inspecting Imperials to keep “Lumpy” quiet, Chewie’s wife Malla sits him down and has him watch… a cartoon featuring Luke, Han, Leia, the droids, and Boba Fett?

This cartoon is the only element of the Holiday Special that even comes close to being good, but I think its quality is often overstated by fans that drink it in as an oasis of “pretty okay” in a desert of “fucking terrible.” The short is notable as the first appearance of Boba Fett, but otherwise isn’t all that special.

One of the more famous sequences from the Holiday Special involves Bea Arthur “singing to a bunch of people with funny heads,” as she put it in a 2005 interview with the Portland Mercury. It’s one of the more enjoyable bits as well—after a decidedly cornball fashion, anyway.

After this, Chewie and Han arrive and take care of the Imperials with apparently little effort. After an entirely too emotionally open Han Solo tells Chewbacca and the others that they’re “like family” to him, he leaves, allowing Chewbacca and the other Wookiees to finally celebrate Life Day, complete with robes and the vocal styling of Princess Leia.

None of this, of course, helps the viewer understand much about Life Day, other than the fact that it is apparently a “day of peace” and “haaar-moh-nee,” but no matter; the Holiday Special makes it clear early on that such things as “plot” and “cohesion” are of little importance here.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is an unmitigated and perhaps even unprecedented disaster. Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford all appear in the film, but deliver performances that make their level of interest in the material quite clear… well, except for Mark. His performance is far more earnest (if not exactly better) than the material deserves. The variety sketches universally fail at everything they attempt; I didn’t crack a smile when they tried to be funny, but found myself laughing uproariously during many portions that were meant to be serious or emotionally resonant. Furthermore, the whole thing, which cost more than a million dollars to make in 1978, looks incredibly cheap.

Above all, the Holiday Special is BORING. Long, recurring stretches of untranslated Shyriiwook and sketches that go nowhere made the time spent watching this feel like roughly a Wookiee’s full lifespan.

Despite this, Chewbacca’s family and even Life Day have figured into later Star Wars novels and other stories, and The Star Wars Holiday Special is a must-watch curiosity for the serious fan. This YouTube video contains the entire special with its original commercials. Enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas, continue to have a Happy Hanukkah, or if you’re so inclined, don a red robe, growl a lot, watch a bunch of incoherent nonsense on TV, and have a great Life Day.

Boring AND emotionally scarring!